'Caddyshack' a relief to this hopeless golfer
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2008 10:39 PM
I’m a golfer, and I’m pathetic. Yeah, I know, that’s redundant, like saying I’m a talk-show host, and I’m self-righteous.
This is how pathetic I am: It is three minutes to midnight and I must be up in 6 ½ hours. But I can’t go to sleep. “Caddyshack” – the unedited version – is on HBO Zone. It’s got adult language and nudity. Nudity! And golf! Does it get any better than this?
Stacked next to the La-Z-Boy I can’t force myself to vacate are five months’ worth of Golf Magazine and Golf Digest. I’ve done the math, and if I follow every tip in those magazines, I’ll add between 140-180 yards to my drives, land every bunker shot within six feet of the hole and never three-putt again.
I’ve read all the advice columns a dozen times each, which must be just as good as actually practicing. Besides, I tried practicing for years, and all it ever did for me was make me realize I needed more practice. So I’ve given up practice; I’m sticking to reading.
It’s so simple. The secret to adding another 20 yards to my drives is in my right wrist at the top of my backswing. I can add another 20 yards by paying more attention to my left wrist at impact. If I roll my right ankle on my downswing, I can tack on 10 yards, and there’s 10 more if I roll the left ankle on my follow-through. Then there’s the 20 I get for hitting up on the ball with my driver, and another 20 on top of that for hitting down on the ball with my driver, so either way I win. Then there’s the 20 yards I pick up by putting some lag in my swing, like Ben Hogan used to do it. Sergio Garcia does it, too, so you know it works.
There’s more, but you get the idea. And every month I get two more magazines and, like magic, another 20 or 30 yards on my driver. When I put them all together, I’ll be hitting it 456 yards, give or take a furlong.
Plus, I’m going to be splitting every fairway, because guys like Jim Furyk, Ernie Els, Tom Watson and Tiger Woods told me how. “Split the fairway every time” – that’s what they said. And they wouldn’t lie to me, would they?
It’s 12:45 now, Noonan’s won the caddie tournament and in a couple of minutes, it’ll be the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene.
Anyway, it’s hopeless. I could buy the DVD – I may already have it – but that wouldn’t be right. “Caddyshack” is best when it happens to you, unplanned and serendipitous. I can’t help it. I gotta watch it.
Did I tell you I played Bushwood County Club, where Carl Spackler plied his trade? Harvey Green, the most excellent P.R. man for the Miami Dolphins, set me up there as it was close to the team’s practice facility. In real life it’s Rolling Hills Golf Club in Florida. It’s not a great course, but Rodney Dangerfield played there. Can Augusta National say that?
I’d like to call “Caddyshack” the greatest sports movie ever made, but even I have to admit that “Field of Dreams” is way better. So is “Bull Durham” for that matter. “Slap Shot” ain’t bad, either. What it is for me is the most irresistible sports movie ever. I know it isn’t the best. I know every line. But I can’t not watch it. After all, I’m a golfer and I’m pathetic, but I repeat myself.
